CHILDLESSNESS is private sorrow lived in public, says Mrs Soneni Dube, a childless married woman from Bulawayo.
While millions the world over took to social media
platforms to celebrate Mothers’ Day yesterday, days like these are a painful
reminder to Mrs Dube and thousands of other women that cannot conceive.
Mrs Dube, who has been married to a pastor for the past 12
years, has endured scorn, insults and false accusations for being childless.
From miscarriages, surgeries and treatment, she has had to stomach the pain of
knowing that she cannot give society what every married woman is expected to –
a baby.
So depressing has been the experience that Mrs Dube and her
husband Pastor Sikhumbuzo Dube have formed a social support group, Shunem Care,
to help cushion those in similar situations, who have nowhere to turn to.
Shunem Care’s vision is to provide a voice for the
voiceless and rewrite the narrative on childlessness as there has been a lot of
silence around the subject either in churches, families or traditional systems.
Whenever childlessness is discussed, it is often associated
with punishment for abortions during one’s youth, witchcraft or promiscuity.
Some women have been divorced or forced to care for
children sired out of wedlock for being childless, while others are subjected
to emotional and physical abuse while trying to conceive.
“Shunem Care is a ministry born out of our story of not
having a child. Noticing that many of the childless not by choice need a home
where they can share their stories without shame and ridicule, we envisaged it
as a healing place. With so much negativity and stigmatisation around
involuntary childlessness, this group shields men and women who share their
experiences of being childless,” said Mrs Dube.
“We get our inspiration from what happened in Shunem, a
small (Biblical) town where a childless couple cared for Elisha (2 Kings
4:8-37). While we are childless, we are not fruitless, we are complete human
beings. We believe that childlessness is not incapacitation.”
She said her pain has helped her empathise with a number of
women, who receive counselling sessions from her husband, who is a qualified
counsellor.
“Childlessness is complicated because what works for one
doesn’t work for another and we have since learnt that presence is more
preferred than advice. My husband loves to say we should be careful that we
heal and not hurt. What may be thought to be an intervention may be harmful and
not helpful. Jody Day, a thought leader in female involuntary childlessness,
once said “childlessness is private sorrow lived in public”.
“We have been called names, we have cried to God and done
everything in our power until we accepted that it’s beyond our control. This is
our 12th year in marriage and it has been a roller-coaster journey in terms of
losing the status of motherhood. I have been through surgery thrice and I have
scars that are reminders of the struggle to have a child.”
She said as the world celebrates Mothers’ Day, society
should be taught how to behave around someone going through involuntary
childlessness.
To her, the day triggers painful memories of how her chance
at motherhood slipped through under unknown circumstances.
“Mothers’ Day has not been a great day; I think this year
may be even more terrible. While in the past years I could be thankful that
while I am not a biological mother, I found comfort in celebrating my own
mother, this will be the first without her as she died a few months ago,” she
said.
“This is a day I have not taken time to celebrate, but I am
reminded by social media as people take time to celebrate motherhood. I have
received warm and loving messages from those who mean well for me and look upon
me as their mother.”
Mrs Dube said she has prayed for a number of couples who
have since been blessed with children.
“This journey has taught me that there are many women who
are suffering in silence. They have had the pain, but they cannot talk about it
for fear of being judged as bewitched, caused and/or punished by God. I have
learnt to treat everyone’s pain with care. My personal pain has been the place
where love and care for others grew.
“Some things are not meant to be understood, but just to be
accepted. Trying to get an explanation why I don’t have a child may cause a lot
of needless anxiety. Why should I crucify myself about something I have no
control over? The energy should be directed towards lifting others who are sinking
in the pit of despair because of involuntary childlessness.
“I am thankful that I have a loving husband who has stood
by me in this journey. He feels he was called to minister to such people like
us. He has been a personal pastor and counsellor. I imagine how I would be if
he didn’t care. If he was following a society that ill-treats childless women,
I wonder what my mental and emotional wellbeing would be like.”
Taking part in pastoral duties like child dedication often
reminds the Dube family of their pain, but the experience has also opened their
eyes to the stigma often silently suffered by the childless tribe.
“To women that have been abused, divorced and ill-treated
for being childless, I want to say, remember that your worth is not decreased by
not having a child,” she said.
“You are complete and enough. I am very sorry that some men
fail to see value in you. May you find comfort in that God sees value in you.”
To those dreading Mothers’ Day due to involuntary
childlessness, Pastor Dube said: “Your worth is not measured by the children
that you have not birthed, but by the burdens that did not deplete your worth.
The fact that you carry your burdens means you are worthy and may this day help
you redefine motherhood as something to be understood through your own lenses.
“As part of Shunem, we create awareness to society and for
women to accept the complete challenge. We have men who are not forthcoming;
they say they are not the source and sometimes divorce women when they could be
the problem. We have men who have low sperm counts who will not go for medical
attention but abuse.
The stigma around childlessness makes this issue a taboo;
we are not able to talk freely without being judged. We need a platform where
we are able to talk without ridicule and name-calling, which is our vision as a
group.” He called on communities to support childless married women.
“Avoid offering unsolicited advice, don’t offer solutions
when you are not required. Just listen to what they are going through as this
aids their mental wellbeing. Don’t say you are not praying enough or you are
cursed or shooting blanks. This hurts us to know that’s what people imagine.” Chronicle
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