I am a young woman who dated and had lobola paid for me by a married man. After he paid lobola my parents said I would join him after the white wedding. This guy was not keen about the whole idea. Two months after our traditional marriage I discovered that he was legally married because he did not divorce his wife because vanga vane muchato.
I am already expecting his baby but he insists that vakarambana. I am so hurt and confused because his wife has two other kids and is expecting their third baby as well and her pregnancy is quite advanced. My parents are so furious and are saying they will not let me go and stay with him because he already has a family.
Please amai help how do we put this right? I still love this guy, I do not know what to believe. The baby is on the way and I do not know what move to take next. All my future plans have come to a standstill. I do not even know if this woman is aware of what is happening. Would it be wrong to get in touch with her so she tells me the truth?
I can use my investigating skills to get her contacts. Life is really unfair. For how long am I going to stay with my parents? Should I look for one of his close relatives then go to stay with them until he sorts himself out? I am very desperate I hope your response will bring back the life I seem to have lost because of these problems. I dated this guy for a year before he paid lobola.
MAI CHISAMBA RESPONDS
Thank you for writing in. At times I wonder what has gotten into most of our families and into our children’s generation. They ask for advice when they are desperate and neck deep in problems of their own doing. Lobola is part of our rich culture but the problem in most cases is that people take short cuts or just pick what they prefer and run with it.
I do not want to rub salt on old wounds but if you ask for advice I will be as honest as possible. Had you followed the proper channel you would have discovered that this guy was married or was once involved with another woman. You say you dated for a year, to me this is a very long time to get to know your would-be spouse.
He tells you that vakarambana but the wife is pregnant and has two other children. This does not add up. Anyone can easily see that he never broke up with his wife but was double crossing you. For the twelve months you were going out did you ever make an effort to go to his house? If you did how did people from the neighbourhood perceive you?
This guy has kids, if you went to his house you could have seen a toy or something that showed family life. Dzimba dzema bachelor hadzinetse kuona kani. I also do not understand kuti gore rose hapanawo shamwari kana hama yakakunyevera. If this did not happen then it was just unfortunate.
Going back to our culture before a would-be son in-law pays lobola, the would-be wife with her entourage composed of vanatete and sisters will go to visit the in-laws’ home, kunonzi kuonekera. This is when you and your team get to know if there was or there is another woman in his life and interact with his family. Did you do this?
There are more questions than answers in your story. My advice is if this man is legally married then tough luck. You may have to wait for the child’s birth and claim for child support and move on. The investigating skills you are talking about now should have been applied earlier, ungadai wakaziva kuti munhu wako is married, now it is a bit late.
There is absolutely no need to confront the wife or any of his people, you may put yourself in hot soup and get sued for adultery.
This guy is so irresponsible, he should at least have told you about his kids because these are part of his life.
I know it hurts but I think you are better alone than with this guy, he is just a cheat. Pray for God’s guidance and it shall be well.