Saturday, 6 August 2016


Bishop Lazarus
LET me tell you some truth which will hurt some people. Hashtag politics will not take Zimbabwe anywhere, toxic activism on virtual communities will not remove President Mugabe from power but despite it all, I have some advice for Zanu-PF – never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups, as George Carlin would put it.
Apologies dear reader, your Bishop was caught up somewhere across the Limpopo last week, so there is no much time to waste seeing that Zimbabwe yatekeshera mapenzi anonga pito and vari kuridza pito kwete mbichana.

Former pastor Evan Mawarire, our porn star William Mutumanje whose stage name is Acie Lumumba, some headless chicken called Mkwananzi, the new vendor in town called Joice, a visibly angry Obert Gutu, a sick Morgan, a confused Thokozani Khupe, spineless and pseudo war veterans, mutumwa Mandi, scumbags in #Tajamuka, ungrateful yet spoiled brats from our universities, and all the hashtag activists can be aptly described in one word – cowards.

And they are not only cowards. They are cowards on the run. Magwara kwete mbichana and bhuku dzvene speaks about such people in Leviticus 26 vs 37 when it says: “They shall stumble over one another, as if to escape a sword, though none pursues. And you shall have no power to stand before your enemies.” Ndiudzeiwo Evan uripi? Kikikiki kwanzi we are not afraid.

Proverbs 28 vs 1 yotsinhira ichiti: “The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are bold as a lion.” Ndati jinda guru Evan riripi? Kikikiki kwanzi tajamuka.
There is a classic song that keeps coming to my wondering mind. It goes something like this: “I see shadows everywhere I go . . .” Now, how far true is it that Evan is seeing shadows everywhere he goes and that he is even running away from his shadow? You Zanu-PF, stop it!

While fleeing from no one and nothing, these cowards have over the past few weeks been stumbling over each other in the hope that somehow they will bump into an exploding Zimbabwean economy and come out of it as heroes.

To their utter disappointment, the economy continues to be very stubborn. The Daily News has written countless screaming headlines saying the economy is about to explode, but chieconomy chacho zii zvacho.

Me and my wild imaginations. I hear some disappointed editor telling his bosses. “Hachisikuda kuputika chieconomy chacho icho?” The bosses respond; “ok, ko Zanu-PF yacho?” The editor responds: “Same, same haisikuputika futi. Iri kutodzinga vanaMutsvangwa.” The bosses: “Saka moti muri kuita basa rei muchitadza kuputitsa even bundu riri pamhuno? Ko vana Morgan vari kuti chii?” Editor chuckling: “Ahhh, Morgan murwere uyu. Zvinenge zvatova mumusoro.” Bosses: “Uuummm, usaseke mira tifonere ambassador.”

The cowards have been on spirited campaigns trying to outdo each other. They are no longer fighting against Zanu-PF. They are fighting against each other. Its as if they are trying to perfect that famous statement by Groucho Marx that: “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”

Events over the past few weeks have really shown beyond any reasonable doubt that the cowards don’t know how to deal with Zanu-PF. All they are doing is hunting for some trouble and finding it in some overzealous police. What is more disappointing is that even the new vendor in town, Joice, has no clue on how to deal with Zanu-PF despite years akaberekwa nemusangano.

She is challenging the introduction of bond notes and doing all sorts of funny little things that are sure to haunt her in spectacular fashion very, very soon. Joice, of all people, should know better that this sudden over-excitement will do her no good.

After some circus in the streets of Harare last week, the Minister of Higher and Tertiary Education, Professor Jonathan Moyo, saw the fun side of it and came up with one of the most humorous statements since Twitter was invented. “If dis modering is watikoro demonstracion deni Godi herepe yu!” Please give Bishop Lazarus a few seconds to laugh. Kikikiki Kikikiki kikikiki!

Ndotoseka nhamo serugare, but why not? “If dis modering is watikoro demonstracion deni Godi herepe yu.” Kikikiki kikikikik kikikiki that was a good one Prof.

You see we need to laugh about some of these things, not only because laughter is good for our health but because there are some people who are taking Joice and all these cowards seriously. These people have created illusions in their sick heads and they are beginning to see some Arab Spring in Zimbabwe. Baba vangu Moyo iwe!

Indeed, a weak mind is like a microscope, which magnifies trifling things, but cannot receive great ones. What on this lovely earth and in sweet Zimbabwe are these cowards doing? Cowards with no sense of history.

Just a few hours in police cells were enough for Evan to abandon his hashtag politics and dash to a welcoming South Africa. A South Africa whose imperialistic media is hungry for a good story from Zimbabwe. Naturally, Evan was a welcome guest in South Africa and sooner rather than later the host is discovering that the visitor has no intentions of returning home. He has played some Judas Iscariot on the gullible sympathisers back home, remember those fools who thronged the courts as they foolishly mistook a sheep for a lion.
On the other hand, Obert Gutu without notice saw Nelson Chamisa at his doorstep and 
without thinking as he always does, Obert said his life was in danger blah, blah, blah. Real politicians are never that weak, but to be honest anyone who for a second thought Obert was a politician needs psychiatric examination.

I can go on and on because from the look of things, the list of these cowards keeps growing. Kutamba zvavo chikudo nemapurisa.

As if to confirm that they are nothing but a bunch of cowards, once the responsible authorities move in to sober them up, they scream like little children alleging heavy-handedness on the part of the authorities. Someone needs to tell these cowards that in whatever country, including America yavanochemera, the State is the only institution that has the monopoly to use violence.

Anyone who challenges that should be ready for the mighty of the State. We may not like 
this or agree with this but ndiwo mamiriro ekunze at the moment.

Since these cowards are so found of anything American, let me quote former American 
President Theodore Roosevelt who said:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Zimbabwe’s real war veterans, not the jokers led by Mutsvangwa who have taken centre stage in recent weeks, are what Roosevelt was talking about.
People who sacrificed their lives, spent years in jail, were killed and maimed but never gave up the liberation struggle.

If these real war veterans were like these cowards, on hearing Smith’s guns and on seeing helicopters and fighter jets, they would have thrown their inferior guns, zvimapepesha into the river and take to their heels, escaping back to Zambia and Mozambique. But they didn’t run away. Today they know victory.

Now someone wants us to think these social media cowards are a thorn in the flesh of Government? What thorn? I agree social media is quite exciting to some people, but come on guys, let’s not get carried away.

Talking of not getting carried away, as the cowards are running scared, Zanu-PF should stop twiddling its factional fingers thinking the cowards will waste away.
It was never the cowards, it’s never the cowards and it will never be the cowards.
It was the economy, its the economy and it will always be the economy.
Bishop is out! sunday mail


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