I have a big problem and I need your assistance. I am a 27-year-old lady and I am married to a very abusive husband.
I dated this guy for three years before we tied the knot. We are blessed with two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. This guy has not changed, even when we were dating he used to beat me up for petty reasons. He would insult me every now and then but I stayed put because he said he loved me. I told my tete about his character when we started the formal introductions and she said this would stop after marriage.
She went on to say “Watombowana hako anoti anoda kuroora, shinga mazuva ano vanoroora vashoma.” I took her word, but I always regret. I am so used to abuse that I no longer know what kugarika means and my skin is hardened. This is just a brief background. The reason why I am writing to you is because I am heartbroken.
I do not even know where to start. My husband went to my tete to complain that I have a very nasty odour, hudzi and he was finding it hard sharing the same bed with me hence he did not know what to do. My heart missed a beat, I just could not believe it. The worst came when I shared this with a close friend at work. She confirmed that it is true but they did not know how to tell me. I remember this was once brought up at a ladies meeting at the office, I had no idea this was about me.
Why did my husband not tell me? I cried at my mother’s house when she admitted that I have always had this problem since I was young and she used to bath me with certain herbs but the problem prolonged.
I do not know about it because it is part of me saka vanhu vaingondireva vasingandiudze and that is the most painful part. Now everything is falling into place. I can understand why I was treated differently everywhere but it hurts, my spirit is broken. I am no longer comfortable going to church, working or mingling with others, I am now an outcast.
Why did he marry me if he had a problem with me? Could this be the reason for the abuse? Please help, I am prepared to do whatever it takes to get rid of this problem. Nyika yandiremera ndibatsireiwo.
I felt so sad and your letter made me teary. Your problem is two-folded. Let’s start with the abuse. I personally do not understand why after the abuse you suffered as a girlfriend you proceeded to marry this guy. Maybe it was a case of love being blind because it beats all logic.
For your information a man/woman who loves you will under no circumstances beat you up and let alone ill-treat you. Domestic violence is unlawful and this guy should have long been brought to book. Marriage is about love and respect. I am sorry to say tete got it wrong.
It’s not about ndawana anoroora. In your case it is like kurumwa nechekuchera because you knew this guy well and you even complained about his character back then.
Remember a leopard does not change its spots. The sad thing is you have brought two innocent kids into this unhappy marriage.
You need to seriously work on your marriage and the way forward is to engage a counsellor who will work with you as a couple. The expert will take you back to the drawing board and see what can be salvaged. Your second and main issue is very sensitive and I think people should learn to move with the times.
In our culture it is not commonly acceptable to tell someone that you smell or have a problem with hudzi.
Your mother knew about this but she never told you, why? Your husband dated you for three years and married you and never mentioned this to you directly, why? This was gross injustice. When people are married they are one flesh and there is no secret between them saka kutenderera ndekwei?
The secret for any successful union is to find a spouse who truly loves you, not just anyone with the means to marry you. A close friend from the office confirmed the body odour problem but never told you before, how sad. Relationships are there for people to be open and help each other.
I will refer you for grooming but in the mean time use bicarbonate of soda in your armpits and other sweaty areas each time you take a bath. Bath more than once a day, preferably mornings and evenings before you retire to bed.
Use cotton wool, dip it in water mixed with soda and wipe. Have a candid talk with your hubby about this, I know the counsellor will be of great help. Do not cry and look down upon yourself, it is an issue that can be rectified.
For friends and families please let us help each other in times of need. Gossiping does not pay. Let us call a spade, a spade. I wish you all the best. I will make a follow up to check on your progress.